Chaos

Chaos is a state of being when the mind and heart don't agree. I have been in a chaotic state for quite a while now. My heart and mind never really agree to anything except that I do enjoy writing and that my goal is to write for everyone. I know not everyone will enjoy my stories but somewhere someone has to read my stories to be inspired to become better than they are today or yesterday and strive for a better tomorrow. That is my importance to this world; at least the one I will label myself with. But I suppose I haven't been truly inspired by that one person somewhere right now procrastinating to do  precisely what they have to so that I can do it too. But maybe the person I'm waiting to inspire me is myself.

Losing my job.

Losing my job wasn't the end of my world. Actually I think it's benefited me more than hurt me. Sure I don't have the means to buy gas, chips, or anything that I want as far as fattening foods or material things. However, I think it's allowed me to really see something clearly: that I'm not fit for working for others. That I'm not fit for something mediocre. No. I believe that I will do great things in life and having a job will only make me content, stressed and like everyone else. I don't think I'm made to be average. I've been working toward my goal because thinking is not going to push me forward only doing will take me where I need to be and I honestly feel I need to do more.

Work.

I'm not complaining, just aware that working can suck sometimes. This is mostly because I'm sick and I have to work outside.

My Life

I was at work yesterday. Landed two jobs a couple of weeks ago so I've been pretty busy trying to get things done financially in my life. So yesterday was Labor day and I work both my jobs one shift from 10-4 and the other from 4-midnight. It was such a long stressful day and I gave my best. During my first shift i realized that I had led myself in the wrong direction. I feel that I shouldn't be here. This was never the place that I should be at. I should be in a different state doing different things. At the very least in a different state. I thought about how my friends are in different places like Chicago, Boston, California and I am here in our home state working my ass off for not enough. I want to write but I often doubt too much. I need to get my head in order and do what I've always set out to do. It's just so hard when there's so much pressure, when you feel your work isn't good enough for millions of readers. When you feel like once you do write it and get it out there if the next will be better or just as good. Life is stupid right now. sigh.

Respect

I personally believe that everyone should respect each other: That no one is exempt to this rule. It's apart of life. The only thing about respect is (and I truly believe this) that when you give respect you get respect and vice versa! People really should be respectful to each other but if someone wasn't giving you any respect and you gave it to them do they still deserve your respect? My answer is no. It's not fair for you to respect someone who relinquishes their respect toward you. It's also not fair to treat someone with disrespect if they respect you. Respect really is a big deal. It's just like trust.
If trust between you and someone else is broken, how easy is it to trust that person? Respect works in the same way.

I (personally) can't be expected to trust someone who acts fake toward me and someone who doesn't respect me. I can't respect someone who thinks they're entitled to it especially when I don't receive it too. 

Writing

I never know how much description or dialogue is too much. I can't seem to understand what a good balance would actually be. I can't even keep balanced meals. Or my balance in general. I really don't know anything about good balance. I can't stand on one door before falling. I guess just writing is the first step to knowing if something is too much of too little.

Often I Wonder

I often wonder about the future. I wonder if I'll have kids of my own one day and who would be the people they look up to and want to see. Who can they turn to when they're down and the people who are always around. I often wonder will I do it right or will I make mistakes worse off than those parents before me. I often wonder will I be bitchy, take sides and play favorites. Or will I be fair and understanding to all view points. I often wonder will I be married before them or will they be the product of a failed relationship. I wonder if I'll regret them or will they be the best thing that ever happened to me. Will I believe their a disgrace or will I support them no matter what. Will I be there to hold them when they really need me or will I simply fail them in their hour of need. Will we get along I wonder. Will I subject them to men they hate and be selfish because I want my own love and nothing else in the world will stop me from having it. Will they know their grandparents like I know mine. Will they even meet them. Will they know their father. Will they know me. These are questions on my mind when i think about having a kid or children. I think these are important to know when you want to bring children into the picture.