Losing my job.

Losing my job wasn't the end of my world. Actually I think it's benefited me more than hurt me. Sure I don't have the means to buy gas, chips, or anything that I want as far as fattening foods or material things. However, I think it's allowed me to really see something clearly: that I'm not fit for working for others. That I'm not fit for something mediocre. No. I believe that I will do great things in life and having a job will only make me content, stressed and like everyone else. I don't think I'm made to be average. I've been working toward my goal because thinking is not going to push me forward only doing will take me where I need to be and I honestly feel I need to do more.

Work.

I'm not complaining, just aware that working can suck sometimes. This is mostly because I'm sick and I have to work outside.

My Life

I was at work yesterday. Landed two jobs a couple of weeks ago so I've been pretty busy trying to get things done financially in my life. So yesterday was Labor day and I work both my jobs one shift from 10-4 and the other from 4-midnight. It was such a long stressful day and I gave my best. During my first shift i realized that I had led myself in the wrong direction. I feel that I shouldn't be here. This was never the place that I should be at. I should be in a different state doing different things. At the very least in a different state. I thought about how my friends are in different places like Chicago, Boston, California and I am here in our home state working my ass off for not enough. I want to write but I often doubt too much. I need to get my head in order and do what I've always set out to do. It's just so hard when there's so much pressure, when you feel your work isn't good enough for millions of readers. When you feel like once you do write it and get it out there if the next will be better or just as good. Life is stupid right now. sigh.

Respect

I personally believe that everyone should respect each other: That no one is exempt to this rule. It's apart of life. The only thing about respect is (and I truly believe this) that when you give respect you get respect and vice versa! People really should be respectful to each other but if someone wasn't giving you any respect and you gave it to them do they still deserve your respect? My answer is no. It's not fair for you to respect someone who relinquishes their respect toward you. It's also not fair to treat someone with disrespect if they respect you. Respect really is a big deal. It's just like trust.
If trust between you and someone else is broken, how easy is it to trust that person? Respect works in the same way.

I (personally) can't be expected to trust someone who acts fake toward me and someone who doesn't respect me. I can't respect someone who thinks they're entitled to it especially when I don't receive it too. 

Writing

I never know how much description or dialogue is too much. I can't seem to understand what a good balance would actually be. I can't even keep balanced meals. Or my balance in general. I really don't know anything about good balance. I can't stand on one door before falling. I guess just writing is the first step to knowing if something is too much of too little.

Often I Wonder

I often wonder about the future. I wonder if I'll have kids of my own one day and who would be the people they look up to and want to see. Who can they turn to when they're down and the people who are always around. I often wonder will I do it right or will I make mistakes worse off than those parents before me. I often wonder will I be bitchy, take sides and play favorites. Or will I be fair and understanding to all view points. I often wonder will I be married before them or will they be the product of a failed relationship. I wonder if I'll regret them or will they be the best thing that ever happened to me. Will I believe their a disgrace or will I support them no matter what. Will I be there to hold them when they really need me or will I simply fail them in their hour of need. Will we get along I wonder. Will I subject them to men they hate and be selfish because I want my own love and nothing else in the world will stop me from having it. Will they know their grandparents like I know mine. Will they even meet them. Will they know their father. Will they know me. These are questions on my mind when i think about having a kid or children. I think these are important to know when you want to bring children into the picture.

Reading for School

Reading is the number one activity that must be done in college coursework. I hate reading and having to read this Social Psychology book is just a no for me. I'm tired of it. I get tired when I read it. I try reading when I feel most awake but that doesn't work either. The subject doesn't interests me. I wish it did a little though. It would make the work a whole lot easier to sit down and just read.

Stress and Stress Relief!

I finally got out of the house tonight. I've been in because I don't have the money to do anything mainly drive somewhere. My boyfriend took me out tonight thank goodness cause I needed it. We just got in really. I'm tired but I'm too happy to go to sleep right now. He took me to subway and go me a small sandwich cause I was sure I didn't eat before that. He then took me to this place called Olga's in Downtown Detroit which was pretty delicious I but I mainly ate fries cause I wasn't that hungry to begin with considering I ate Subway not long before. I saw my friend who i haven't seen in about a month since I moved away from our college town. It was great being able to talk with him for the time that I did. My boyfriend and I just stayed out and about talking and walking around the city. There were events going on, on top of the fact that it's Saturday night so there were so many people around. Overall it was a great night a very much needed! So I'm saying thank you my Love again for taking me out and showing me a great time. :)

Oppotunities

So I was on the phone with an aunt of mine. She has an 8 year kid. I was telling her that NBC has a casting call (at first I said, "Talent thing") for kids 4-11 that she should put her kid in. She told me that her child has no talent and that she's not going to let her child embarrass herself. So let me back up a bit.
My aunt always talks about how she wants to give her kid things that she didn't have growing up. She wants for her child to be a straight A student that is smart, has common sense, and is very intelligent etc. And I will say that she is a pretty smart kid for her age but the thing is how can you snatch an opportunity like that away from her child before it's even given a chance to flourish. This isn't your opportunity it's for your child and if you really want to give this child something give her the opportunity to show her talent or non talent abilities.
This particular aunt often criticizes her sisters for not giving their kids these sorts of opportunities but she's doing the same thing. She says she often watches her sisters and how they raised their children and that she won't do the same to her child however she's really just learning how to do everything her sisters do. It's annoying. She's the main one always being critical yet there's a problem when everyone else does it to her.

It's sad and she'll find herself regretting it later on.

Out of it

Have you ever had one of those days where your brain is like 'nope.' That was me yesterday. I was upset with someone and as a result I ended up cleaning and unpacking my things. That was frustrating considering the relationship of me and this person. It's annoying but I deal with the temporary circumstances. So anyway I'm upset with the fact that this person is annoying to me and won't go away. I was actually minding my own business watching Ted, that I didn't get to finish watching, when they came in to bother me. So anyway I ended up drinking about 330 in the morning I took three shots of Bacardi Lemon. I don't remember going to sleep but I slept til about ten in the morning closer to 11 I think.

So I ended up waking up to finish much of what I started. I decided to better pack some things I won't be using while I'm here mainly kitchen related things. I get a box and I start putting everything in one place mostly for me to make sure all my things would be in relatively the same area. So here I'm trying to do me, pack up my stuff so I wouldn't have to hear anyone else bitch about this. I'm doing this alone and I was okay with that. Until my mother decided she'd help.
Of course I had an issue with her helping me considering I hadn't asked her to do anything. This particular situation is funny because when I asked her to help me last week she sat on her ass and didn't bat an eyelash. So why was she helping me? I have no idea but of course she comes in doing her own thing because that's what she does. That was annoying and I really wanted to tell her to go away but I didn't because she's the type of person to get mad at you and act like she's not. I don't like dealing with attitudes which is why I don't even understand how I've lived here so long.
I got quite a bit done as far as how much stuff is organized and packed up. I still have a few more things to look through but overall things are shaping up. I just wish people would stop touching my things. Period. No one wanted to help so why come out of nowhere and help?

Well aside from all that the point was, that liquor really had me out of it. And it didn't help that it took over 24 hours for me to eat something. If my bf had known that I didn't eat for 24 hours he would've been pissed and probably would've tried to force feed me something smh. Good thing I didn't tell him. So because of lack of food after finally ate my stomach started hating me. It was hurting and my head still hurts after hurting all day. I took a nap thinking it would go away but nope and I took another nap that I woke from a couple hours ago. Since it's 5am now I think I'll go to bed and wake up later.

Bye bye for now.

Just why?

So I'm trying to clean my room. I'm pretty bad at this but I am trying. I did just decide to move back in and it probably wasn't the best decision but I have things that I really need to do and being here is my only option right now.

My mother doesn't seem to understand. But she never has. I don't know why I expected that to change. She's been rushing me all day and yeah I procrastinate but I've actually been making good progress toward this room. I've also been applying for jobs and getting information from school for a possible masters. Maybe in graduate school I'll find exactly what I've been looking for. Though that remains to be seen considering my grades in under grad what school would accept me? No telling until I try.

I know she wouldn't believe it if I told her. She has less faith in me than I have in myself and that's not a lot.

Blah. Guess it's time to go. Good night! Job interview in the morning for this bank. :3 Gonna just give it all I've got!

Graduate School

So tonight I decided to apply for graduate school. I hate school. I can't even explain why I'm applying for graduate school. It's mostly because I feel like I can't keep up with my own writing. It's like I know where I want to go but then I don't. I have a very scattered brain that's all. I can't focus. I often wonder if I have ADD or something. I guess it's not impossible.


I've mentioned before that I'm 3 credits away from graduating officially. I'll have a BA in English: Creative Writing and I have no idea what my minor in Theater means. SO yeah I have issues that I don't how to fix. If you're a generous therapist or psychiatrist please offer me some of your services.

Honestly, I just need to sit down and read my story aloud and see how it flows. I also need to let some other eyes see where it is now and to get some feedback before I seriously move on. I mean what if my story isn't showing what it needs to show at the time it needs to be shown. Crazy thing is I know exactly how I want it to end. I just don't know how to write the road that leads to it.

It's crazy being a writer. I can't describe anything. That's another problem I have. I try my hardest to describe as much as possible but I guess I get bored and just want to reach a certain point in my own writing.

That was a big venting confession but it's the truth. But I did say in my last post that us Artists have a hard time because we believe our work is crap. Welp it IS the undeniable truth.

But what did all of this have to do with Graduate school? Well because I think I need to go back and hone my skills. I really don't want to. But I guess we all do things we don't want to do to get to places we want to be at.

Artist

I know many artist. The one I know most is myself. I've always had a speck of creativity in me. I love having hobbies. They're fun! However, there are plenty of downfalls to being an artist.

Your Thoughts About Your Work
Your work is your baby. You think about, you create it, it's yours. You start it and sometimes you finish it. But as an artist do you ever really consider your work finished masterpieces? Well the answer is probably no. At least from my perspective. Art is never finished and never perfect it's never where it should and for some reason it's the artist that is having these thoughts.

THE Undeniable Doubt
All artist have this undeniable doubt. It never fades no matter how old you get. If you're an artist, you're a perfectionist. The problem with your work is that you have no idea what's missing. Every artist believes that their work is crap, they all believe that they'll never improve beyond the point they're currently at. They all truly believe that there's nothing they can do about it. No matter how good they really are. No matter how many compliments they get from people in their field or third party observers, they'll never feel a satisfaction in their work.

The Truth and How It Can Be Handled
I know exactly how that feels. Now this isn't an advice column but if you really want to do something and numerous people say you're good at what you do, believe them. But that doesn't mean slack off and be a jerk to everyone who isn't as good as you are. It means share you knowledge, spread your technique, give a little back to those aspiring to be in your field. Teaching often helps the teacher better understand what they're teaching. With that being said maybe if you teach your techniques you can find what's missing in another's work. It's always easier to observe and critique someone else's work rather than your own.

Focus
My biggest problem with my hobbies and my art is that I know I can't become a master of them all. I can barely master one. (but that might be a personal problem) But I am proud of being able to do many things. People always get on my case about doing so much and not mastering them. But I always find things fun I want to be able to do anything. I think this is mostly because if I have kids someday I want to be able to help them with whatever they need. If I don't know then I'd be willing to learn with them. But mainly to be a master of anything is to do it everyday and focus on it when you do. You can't be a slacker and expect yourself to get better.



Okay I know I said this wasn't an advice column but to those who want it here is really is:
Stop and think critically about your work don't call it crap until you have other opinions on it. Ask others how you can improve and if they're your friends well don't ask them unless they're that person who is going to tell you the truth no matter what. Ask teachers, professors, anyone that you can find to constructively give you feedback then after all that heartache and frustration go back and analyze those comment and them put more of your heart into it. This is where you focus. It may not come out perfect but more practice helps.

College Graduation

I've always known that when I graduated college that it would feel pointless. It's like I don't know how to do anything that I was supposed to know how to do when I graduated. It's not so much that I don't know how to do what I went to school for it's just i'm not applying it with an actual job in my field even if it was just a receptionist job I would at least get some experience using my English degree.
When I decided five years ago to become an English Major I wasn't doing something that I necessarily knew how to do. Math and Science but mostly math was my strong suits. I would do them and still have an easy time doing so and I haven't taken these classes in such a long time now. I Probably should've done something I'm good at and something I wanted to do whether major or Minor because I certainly wasn't good at my minor. I just sucked it up all the way in college knowing I should've done Music and Math. I would've probably had scholarships academic recognition and the full support of my family.
My Mom and Aunt often asked me what I was going to school for. Every time I told them that I was in School for English: Creative Writing they always asked what would I do with it. Before I could answer my mom would say she's going to be an English Teacher and my Aunt would always say you had to go to school to do that? Why? And my mom would always reply I told her she should've went for math and science.

I think many college students have some form of regret but I think the biggest is not doing what you set out to do when you were young and dumb and not truly giving thought to your future your career and not taking full advantage of the time you spend in college. Even if it isn't quite regret it's an irrational fear that you won't do what you thought you could in the beginning.

Sigh. This is silly.

So I've been trying to get a job as seen in my latest post and I told my boyfriend that I was down to my last two hundred dollars. He means well. I know he does. But when I told him that he calls me and says that he's going to try and pull some strings for me. And I'm not saying that's bad at all. I really and honestly do appreciate it. So he keeps texting me and calling me back to back. He was even messaging me on Facebook. He tells me first to apply to a new Meijers here. I look up Meijers and I search for my city and state but the one he spoke of wasn't there. There was only one store hiring for Meijers and it was 2 hours away from where I live. I kept telling him I couldn't apply for the  job because they weren't there. But he just wasn't getting it. He kept lecturing me on something he couldn't even see. It was so annoying. As I said, he meant well but holy crap.

Black Females in a White world.

I am a black female. I am a black female with natural curly and what most people (even blacks) consider to be nappy hair. My hair is very thick. Since I've been growing it for a year it's probably about the same length it was when I decided to start transitioning to the natural styles a little over a year ago. It's been a process that's for sure. But Relaxers were too much. I like the natural look and feel. It feels better, I feel more like myself. But my hair isn't what defines me anyway. I have a lot of other traits and qualities that people have liked whether my hair was natural long show green or blue (if I ever actually had green or blue hair) I'm still generally the same person with or without natural hair. I'll still hair it up or down however I please. I can't speak for other people who have gone natural and how they feel about it. I can't really generalize it. But the point of this particular segment isn't to harp on my own hair. It's 'the look.'

You know what 'The look' is. It's that look that hollywood tells everyone they don't have. Well except of course the people that have it. There's this particular look that hollywood is looking for and there's a particular look that the business world is looking for. But how does one know they have or don't have this particular look that they need to have in their respective fields? What if I have the look of a hollywood star and everyone can see me on the big screen and you have the look of a business professional and I'm going on a casting call and you're in an interview room for the job I want? How do we really know what we look like when we don't get tips pointers or anything. We don't take classes on how to look the part in our early years. It's not fair to say that one does not have 'the look' when we thought we were dressing the part. Everyone knows about 'the look'  and have been subjected to it. Here's a piece of a conversation I had in the wee hours of the morning.

"Ok I can't tell about facial hair. Honest black queen hairstyle I dig but since a female and dis ain't the south gotta do something with that hair. I suggest straighting it. Dazzling it up. Ok what outfit you wearing describe it too me"

This person that I was talking to knows all about the look that I in particular should've had at my interview. Women are supposed to be beautiful, their hair is supposed to be straight because apparently otherwise it's not a good thing. I have natural hair like I said before. If I gave up what straightened my hair why should I have to straighten it at all if I don't want to? (of course with flat irons or hot combs for those who don't know) So he appreciates the fact that I do have natural hair but he thinks it's better to have straighten hair? He's only one black guy and I'm only one black girl and like I said before I can't make generalization but I'll bet that many people in general go through this. Everyone always wants what the next person has and never appreciates what they have and the next person is envious. It's a crazy cycle and it's ignorant to think with all parties that certain sets of traits are just bad because you don't like it.

This whole topic is crazy and it's because we as people not just black not just white we as people view fair skinned people as far more beautiful than brown/dark skinned people. We view people with straight hair as having good hair versus people with curly thick hair which is often referred to as nappy hair. Why is there even a name for it? Wasn't that an insult back in slavery times? People on this planet make no sense to me.

Jobs

The job applying business sucks. You gotta send in résumés, cover letters, fill out applications all for the same job. And for what? What additional information do jobs normally ask you? Nothing. They ask you all the same info so why do we really need all these ways to apply? If you want an application let me fill out a regular application not a long personality test. If you want a résumé and cover letter just tell me please? It would help me so much and save me so much time don't make me tell you my name three times and you still get it wrong. I'm just saying because no one wants to do all of that for a job. Actually what jobs should do is just have open interviews people can bring you their résumés or fill out your applications and on certain days or months you have an open interview session people would come out and you can meet each and everyone one of them. They might be more interesting in person than they are on paper. And isn't that the beauty? I mean you will deal with them more in person than on paper.

July 9th's crazy crazy day!

So yesterday I went for a job interview for a marketing company. I had on black pants, a black tank top with a stripe shirt over it, and brown shoes, that, to some, looked black. But whatever. I wore flats because my heels just didn't seem to go.

So for one I got lost trying to find this place since I don't know Detroit and its surrounding cities very well. This especially includes the freeways. I'm so bad with directions. To add on to my natural lack of directional prowess, my phone's GPS decided that it hated me and in the middle of my drive (which had already been taking me the wrong way) the phone lost signal. I was on a freeway and I'm not big on crashing into anything trying to look where I should be going. So I finally pull over after driving around who knows what city. Lucky for me I recognized the area but that was mainly because I had been there at least once before driving the route myself. I was still lost regardless of this fact. So I called my mom. Before I left the house my mom told me where to go and I thought I was going that way. Obviously not. So I tell her where I was and what happened and I'm sure she thought I was a total idiot. I wouldn't be surprised though. She told me several times that she didn't know where I was even after I told her. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though and I was finally on the right path to getting to this interview. Mind you I left the house around 11am shouldn't have taken more than a half hour to get there but I wanna say I didn't get in the area until around noon or so. Then the problem came with the fact that I didn't know exactly where the building was. So I called that wasn't so hard since I was already in the area. I found it. The only thing was I needed to find a place to print off a copy of my resume and with lack of a job how am I supposed to buy ink? If I had known I would get lost so quickly like I did, relying on my GPS, I would've just gone to a nearby library.

I finally find a Fedex store after looking for it for a bit. I walk into the Fedex store and inquire about printing services and just my luck this store didn't offer it. It was solely doing shipping and receiving I guess. So I leave, and dare I mention the fact that many people in the parking lot were upset with me on different occasions. But hey I was on a mission. So the guy in Fedex tells me that there another store on another road that I wasn't really familiar with. Luckily all this time my mom was still on the phone and she guided me as best she could to where the place was. I finally found it after spending a bit of time lost and not familiar with anything. So I get to this store and feeling almost defeated I tell my mom, "It would be so crazy if they didn't have a printing service." With all the crap I had gone through already with driving and getting lost I was really just ready to go to this interview (or home) which ever came first. So I walk into this second Fedex store. There are quite a few people in this place. It's like 1:30 in the afternoon by now. So I'm think it won't be too hard to print out a piece of paper. The woman at the front was busy but she finally asked what she could help me with. So first I asked about the printing services after reading a sign that talked about what I was looking for, and she told me, "Yes, but we only have one computer available and someone is using it. But when she's done you can use it." So I'm thinking alright I can wait for a minute until this woman is done with this computer. The the woman that works there comes back up to me and tells me that if I sent an email to their stores email address that she could print it out and it would be faster. Well I'm here to tell you to never send a damn email to Fedex believing it would be faster. So I sent this email twice and I'm waiting patiently because I honestly didn't know how long she thought it would really take for me to send an email. Yeah it took me a little longer than normal because I wasn't entirely sure how it sent the first time but still. So I'm just standing there waiting at the counter. A woman that works there had been walking around and finally asked me if I needed help. I explained my situation while waited for the lady at the computer to leave. She didn't take that long but considering that I had already sent the email and was ready to print and pay I didn't understand the whole making it faster service thing. So I sat at the computer, I click on a few things trying to figure out what I was doing on Fedex's particular program set up. I went in thinking it would be a regular set up. Of course not. Why would I have thought that? I realized, finally, that there was a card device next to me and it accepted Visa, Master card, Fedex member card etc. So I'm thinking to myself, "I don't even have my debit card, does that mean I waited for nothing to get on this?" Unfortunately that was the case. I did wait for nothing and so I got up again. The woman that asked me if I needed help the second time told the store manager that I was waiting still and that I had already sent an email. The store manager says that as soon as his employee (the original person that assisted me) was done with the computer that she was on that she would assist me. I'm still waiting. I'm becoming more and more time conscious considering I had an interview at 2:15 pm that at this point I thought I was going to be late for. I was almost in a panic. After helping an Asian Woman that came in wanting five hundred copies of certain documents, the store manager showed me a book of resume paper and pointed out some of the more popular papers. So then they asked me whether it should be in color or in black and white. I got color just because it looked a little more fancy and seemed to stand out a bit more. There were only maroon lines dividing the sections of my resume so I didn't think it was that bad. So I finally leave of course I did turn the wrong way and have to turn around. I was so frustrated that I went into the store and bought two honey buns some hot chips and a Snapple Apple juice. I get on the right track and make to my building in time. I was hungry because I'm on a diet and upset and screwing my diet up but also I was nervous because this was the first interview actually second but first in person interview since graduating college.

So I walk into this building and see elevators that I took up to the third floor then there was a sign on the wall with the name of the company I was going to interview for, along with other company offices. So I reach the door. When I walked in it was a fairly small room and there was only one other person sitting there along with the receptionist that greeted me, of course getting my name wrong. She was tall and thin in pretty nice looking clothes. The other person was a light skinned person that didn't bat an eye when I walked in. The receptionist gave me a form to fill out and told me to bring my resume up along with the form when I was done. Then three other people came in, I was still filling out my form while the others were done and talking with one another. The first girl that was there was called in and then I was called in by a tall nicely dressed man. We walked through a door into a room that harbored other fairly big rooms. I walked into a blue room. I didn't look around much because I wanted to make eye contact as best I could. He told me a bit about the company I talked about myself and then it was over in no time. I don't think I waited fifteen minutes to get the interview and it probably only took fifteen minutes to do the interview. So I leave. My adventure was over and I wanted to just go home more than anything.

I'm driving, thinking I've got this going back but no, of course I go the wrong way to the wrong freeway and ended up on the other side of the world. I end up calling my mom and she freaks out like "How did you get all the way over there? That's nowhere near where you were coming from." Yeah certainly directionally challenged person here. So I get back on the freeway headed in the right direction home but it was far from over. I get near my exit and am too far over to get to it. So I just went over my grandparents since I was headed in that direction and on the express way so it was impossible to get off at a closer exit.

I get to my grandparents house and I just want to sit down. I did for a minute. I wasn't driving or anything until my grandfather wanted me to take him to the store. So I did without hesitation. He took forever in the store because he's an old man. Then I dropped him off at home said my goodbye's and left for my home that's about fifteen minutes away from my grandparents place. I finally get home and end my journey. I'm sure it was long after 5pm when I got home and I was supposed to get a call from the company I interviewed for between 4-5pm but I guess I wasn't a 'good fit' and didn't have 'the look.' After the whole fiasco I was ready to quit before the interview and a part of me is glad that I don't have to go there all the time. I wouldn't get lost as easily but I certainly wouldn't have wanted to take that drive all the time.


The interview was a bust, the drive was ridiculous there and back and I gave myself one more glimpse of how sucky at life I am. Yet, I haven't given up a bright future truly doing something I care about. Whatever that may be.